E: …let’s go.
V: We can’t.
E: Why not?
V: We’re waiting for Godot.
— Waiting for Godot, Samuel Beckett
Estragon and Vladimir wait for Godot during Beckett’s entire play. What more would you expect from a bleak, comic, absurdist masterpiece written by an Irish novelist and playwright?
I’ve been meditating on waiting. As I sat down to write this post today, I remembered Waiting for Godot. I first read the play in junior high and taught acting from it a couple of summers ago.
Sometimes I wait to want something enough to do something about it. One of the most recent and ridiculous examples: to become a full-fledged businesswoman. A well-organized, together, and determined sort with her chin set, ready to conquer the world. There are businesswomen full of ideas and gumption whom I admire a great deal.
Waiting to Want the Wrong Things
This time last year, I was working with/for my fiance’s (then-boyfriend) company as the Sales and Marketing Department. We gave me the title of Sales and Marketing Manager, but really, I was all of it. Before filling this role, I had sold cars, written marketing materials for companies, and worked in the sector his company serves. It wasn’t as if I was given the position without any qualifications at all.
Sales managers and the like have often sought me out. I think it’s to do with the something one of my agents noticed during screen tests: there’s this compassionate quality and sincerity to me that I convey.
In a small, entrepreneurial business the means required to achieve objectives can change on the daily. Moments of not knowing the answer happened…a lot. Sometimes, there wasn’t an exact answer to know. That’s life. Right?
A real entrepreneur would want to dig in, figure it out, make the sale, and push through the uncertainty to create the reality desired. While stuck in the muddiness of it, I wanted to run far and fast. It was too hard to be fleet of foot with my heel stuck in the mud.
So What’s a Girl with Her Heel Stuck in the Mud To Do?
It took time to accept that being an executive type is just not me. There were signs I could have attended to: the total disdain I feel for office buildings, my love of jeans, and my aversion towards answering the phone.
As I’ve waited, I’ve faked it and/or half-assed it. The ability is there, but the want is not. For many reasons at various points in my life, I have thought that I should take on a certain career. It’s as if I’ve been trying to make my life pursuits follow what’s trending. Trend-following ought to be left to shoe-shopping-level decisions. When the shoe doesn’t fit, I don’t buy it (most of the time). Why am I less sensible when it comes to what I do?
I would like to make the broad, sweeping declaration: I will not wait to want things anymore! Yet, that wouldn’t be the sort of thing I could stick to and I know it.
After all, I’ve been waiting to want to run. Today, I was walking the track and listening to “Tiff McFierce’s Ultimate ‘Women Run The World’ Running Playlist” on Spotify. Fight Song by Rachel Platten is on it. A few seconds in, I found myself wanting to run. I did and it felt good. I think I’ll stop waiting and start running.
This post is part of a series inspired by Eat Pray Love.